Once

 

Lennox wrapped his arms around Devan and went to kiss her. She turned away quickly and his lips brushed against hair instead of her mouth. He wanted to shake her, to demand she allow the kiss. Instead, he tried to remain in control and pressed his head against her’s. Devan felt stiff and cold against him, so he began rubbing her arms and shoulders. She resisted the will to act and continued to stare out of the window.

Darkness and glimpses of old brick wall filled Devan’s vision as the train pulled away from the station. Vibrations shot up around them and it caused the carriages to jostle about. The high pitched squeal of rusty metal on metal shocked the air before mixing with the rest of the train noises and echoes. Lennox pressed a hand against the safety guard to help steady them, but Devan seemed unaware of this.

He tried to kiss her again, but found only air. Devan had repositioned herself in the window and was concentrating so hard on the outside view as if she was expecting something to happen. Lennox could only wrap his arms around her again and try to keep them both up right. The urge to yell at her was growling in the back of his throat. Instead he placed his head again next to her’s and allowed his brown hair to mix with her lighter shade.

A voice rang out further down the carriageway, the words unhearable, until it came closer, ‘tickets please!’ Footsteps followed alongside the rustling of clothes. Other voices waved in and out beside shuffling and grating sounds. Money and tickets changed hands, then people settled back into their own blissful unawareness of each other.

Standing in the doorway and the joint of the carriages, Lennox could see the ticket man and some of the other passengers. He drew the tickets out as the man approached, who was still calling out his request. As he held out the tickets, Lennox gave Devan’s turning head a kiss. She paused, stunned, then fixed her large damp eyes on the man before them. He was wearing the classic train conductor’s uniform and seemed uninterested in anything but the tickets. He hole punched them and handed them back to Lennox.

Devan bit her bottom lip and almost cried out to the man’s retreating back. She felt Lennox’s hands on her cheeks, forcing her head up. She wanted to fight him, to shove him away and run after the conductor, begging him to stop the train and let her off. The pressure on her cheeks grew painful and her eyes turned back to Lennox’s. For a second she could see the anger in his dark blue eyes. Then it was gone and the softness she had once been in love with returned.

Their lips meet as Lennox dropped his head and she failed to stop him. The kiss felt pleasant and sent a tingle through her. His lips were soft and gentle against her’s. His fingers swept into her hair, keeping her head still and letting the kiss deepen. Devan felt like she could melt against his lips. Pressing hard, she felt his tongue nudging at the corner of her mouth. A surge of desire rose between her legs and she opened her mouth to let him in.

At once, her hands were wrapped around his shoulders, her hands pressed to the sides of his head and her fingers pushing into his hair. She felt her back bang against the safety guard and her legs parting as Lennox eased his knee between them. They tongues twisted around each other’s, over lapping and greedily rubbing against, in a dancing search for more. She felt Lennox repositioning his hands. His right became a buffer against her head and the panel, whilst the left slid down her side and came to rest on her hip.

Devan moaned into his mouth, as the kiss started to come down. Lennox flicked his tongue against her’s and gently pulled out. As their lips parted, he caught her’s twice more in quick kisses. She let her hands rest on his shoulders and put her head back, capturing his right hand in place. She wished they were somewhere private so that they could carry on, at least that way they wouldn’t have to talk. Or else if they did, she wouldn’t have to reply. Instead, the words she had been holding back for so long tumbled out of her wet mouth, ‘I don’t want to go.’

‘It’ll be okay. I promised, didn’t I?’ Lennox replied in a low voice. He brought his hand up that had been on her hip and stroked her cheek.

Devan sobbed and a shudder, which wasn’t caused by the train’s motion, went through her. She willed herself not to cry and tried to concentrate on Lennox’s brushing fingers and the damp patch in-between her thighs. It was too late and she knew it. The opportunity to escape had eluded her again. The idea that she was trapped forever filled her thoughts. She gave into the tears, letting them gush over her cheeks. She buried her head in his shoulder. Wanting him and hating him at the same time.

Lennox pulled her into a tight hug. He rubbed her back and hair, whilst whispering calming words. He could feel her shaking under him and strongly grabbing him. He planted kisses along her exposed neck, seeking to comfort her in any way possible. Though, a part of him was growing angry. A voice in his head snarled at her to shut up. Why was she making a scene? Did she think acting like this was going to force him to give in?

Letting her go, he yanked her head up towards his. She gasped and grabbed at his hands, her fingernails trying to find a way between his skin and her’s. Staring into her eyes, he pressed the back of her head against the panel. He gritted his teeth together and only let his lips peel back enough to hiss the words, ‘stop crying.’

Devan swallowed and tried to stop her panting breath and tears. However, they still crowded her eyes and streamed down her face. She removed her hands, dropping them behind her and against the cold metal part of the safety guard. A coil of fear twisted inside of her. The thought that they were in public and he couldn’t do anything played at the edge of her mind. However, she knew that wasn’t true and he was more than capable of striking out and hiding it from questioning eyes.

‘Stop,’ he demanded.

She sniffed, then held her breath. The pain of his fingers in her face tried to get more out of her. His eyes were also daring her to carry on or up it a notch. She took a few deep breaths and threw all the emotions away. She imagined become frozen and nothing getting through to her. Badly, she wanted to rip his hands off and scream for help. She would beg to be taken away from him and returned back home. How many times had she wanted to do that though and then suddenly caught herself?

Lennox’s fingers started to slip from her. Silently, he was fighting himself. He understood it was wrong, but he just wanted her. He knew that once she had wanted him just as badly too, but now it seemed like she was fighting against him. He had urges to control that and stop her from walking away. Didn’t she understand what would happen to his world if she did that? He didn’t know what he’d do with himself, he only knew that he had to stop it coming to that and that meant he couldn’t let her go.

‘I want to sit down,’ Devan muttered as she wiped her face.

He nodded and took her to the empty seats which they had stood behind. She stepped to the far one and sank down against the rough seat cover. She rested her head against the frame of the train and tried to stop sniffing. Lennox had sit down after her, his eyes darting around the other passengers, but they hadn’t noticed the outburst. He settled into the seat, brushed his hair back and then watched her closely.

Devan wiped her face again, this time using the sleeves of her coat. She then shut her eyes and tried to normalise her breathing. Unexpectedly, she felt Lennox’s fingers touch her wrist. Warmth spread over her skin and before she could stop, her eyes had opened and gone straight to his. She read the sadness and apologetic look instantly. She sniffed and felt hot tears building up.

With his other hand he reached up, put it on her cheek and pulled her head down to his. Placing their foreheads together, he kissed the tip of her nose and whispered, ‘I love you…I’m sorry…’ before kissing her lips. He tasted the salt from her tears and hated himself even more. Easing off he give her space to say something, but she didn’t speak. Instead, she put her head to his chest, draped her arms around him and shut her eyes once more.

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