Dear Diary #19


It’s the start of a new month and boy, am I embracing it head on and arms out! Returned to the gym this morning and tackled the running machine again. Still a bit nervous on it, but once I’d got the rhyme and the beat of my music right I went for a full twenty minute fast walk. Felt really pleased with that and unlike last time, I didn’t get myself down about the person a few places over from me who was actually going at a full run.

Swimming afterwards was like Heaven. Though I hope the water is warmer up there! When I got home I actually felt more creative and sat down to try and do some writing before husband and baby appeared. I got maybe five hundred words done and finished off the chapter I was stuck on last night. Small steps!

Breakfast was a mad rush then it was just me and B. She’s starting to get a fat face and I swear she’s still forever hungry. Tomorrow, is weigh in day for the both of us. I tried to find out what she should be at for four months, but of course there’s so many factors to fit in there and the average is just an average.

I’m doing really great sticking to the day schedule though, but I’m not sure how much longer I can go without my mid-morning and afternoon TV. I miss Netflix’s too, though hubby and I did finally finish watching Dexter at the weekend. The escape from technology is so hard. I hinted that we need to become nomads a few days ago because I can’t see it being possible any other way.

Hubby won’t have it though. He muttered something about going camping. But with B in tow would I really want to do that? I’m still having a slight problem exposing her to the outside world. I know that sounds really bad, but I’ve not been out with her on my own still. I keep saying I’ll go to the park or the shops or to a friend’s with her, but always at the back of my head there’s this little voice that sounds off.

What if something happens to her or me? What if she catches something or is bitten by an animal? It’s safer inside.

I know that’s insane. Who doesn’t want to show off their first baby? But still…I hope these thoughts got away soon. I saw this thing in my baby pack about post-traumatic stress and how your mental health can be affected by a birth. Perhaps that’s what is and nothing more. I don’t really want to talk about it though, because what if it’s not and I am actually going crazy? I can’t think about it. But seriously, if it doesn’t go away, I’m going to have to do something.

I don’t want to be a bad or dangerous mum. The other day I kept thinking about that poor woman who jumped off a cliff with her hours old baby. She had lots of issues all her life, the news report had said and they didn’t understand why she’s been able to walk out of hospital alone like that. That’s an extreme really though.

Maybe, what I need to do is speak to hubby. I know he’ll tell me it’ll all be fine, but to be honest that’s all I want to hear and my own body back again! B is now crying, so I’d better go and see to her. Then it’s bedtime. Though it feels like I’ve done nothing all day, I’m so tired.

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