Dear Diary #24

Dear Diary,

It seems the year is almost over and what have I got to show for it? I still haven’t been able to face driving again, though my enjoyment of it feels so strong still. It has gotten easier, I’m not panicking every time I see a car and taking the bus is fine. I know driving again will help, but I’m just not sure.

Maybe I need to take a few lessons again? Perhaps that’d help.

Everyone says it’s all in my mind though and it’ll soon go, but I don’t really believe them. They didn’t hit a child.

Going through the whole it wasn’t my fault because the child lock wasn’t on the door and his father hadn’t strapped his two year old son in, still isn’t helping. I was the one driving the car behind, shuffling my iPod from my ex’s favorite song that had suddenly come on. My eyes had been down for a few seconds then back up to see the car door swinging up, something blue and pink tumbling towards me and the flash of red brake lights.

They say it was luckily I was only doing twenty odd and not on a motorway or a country road. I get that. But a boy still died. His injures from hitting the road where the resulted, I just made it worse.

I don’t know why I’m writing about this again. I have pages and pages of the event now. All of them read the same, though sometimes I put in the title of the song, or the afterwards with all the flashing lights and the people and the hospital. It’s all here. In the first every diary of my life.

At least the dreams have gotten better and I’m no longer seeing things. It doesn’t mean normal has arrived. I think that’s still far away. Some days I feel like a robot, empty of thoughts and feelings, just getting on with my tasks. Once in awhile, I’ll have a break down though. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve cried on the bus. As of yet, no one has asked me what’s wrong.

Perhaps, if they did I might feel better.


4 thoughts on “Dear Diary #24

  1. Knowing it wasn’t your fault and feeling it wasn’t are vastly different. But playing the “if only” game won’t help. You may well have been told this already, but I’m telling you the truth when I say the best, and maybe the only, way to get past it is to start driving again. Start with just short drives, maybe to the grocer’s. You will be hypervigilant and may tend to overreact (like hitting the brakes suddenly or swerving), but it will get better. You will never forget, but you will enjoy driving again.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks for your advice. This was a piece of fiction, but having re-read it I’ve realized that most of it is true to me. I guess because writing the diary stories makes me reflective. I’ve never been in a car accident, but the fear of having one is there. I guess due to the fact that my mum’s had a few accidents and I’m a new driver. I’ve not actually driven in a few months now due to ill health, but I hope that when I do get back into it I find the enjoyment again. Thanks for reading and your concern.

      Liked by 1 person

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