Dear Diary

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Dear diary, spring is here but the weather doesn’t make it feel like it! The weather forecast says more smaller storms are coming and it’s going to stay cold. I guess someone should let the flowers know that!

Some crocuses and daffodils are all ready opening. This afternoon, I saw a load of snowdrops popping up on the stretches of grasses beside the road. They are hardly little things.

I’d like to do more gardening but I’m not sure I have it within me. It seems so easy to care for a plant; right soil, water, food and sunlight but something always seems to go wrong. That’s why the only plants I have are cacti and the dreaded money plant that I’m sure is immortal…

It’s hailstones again. I can hear them tapping on the window. So far it’s not been cold enough for snow and it’s been such a mild winter but I just think that’s misleading. Winter doesn’t seem over till summer arrives and snow can appear like a normal thing in the next few months.

Would the flowers survive if it did snow? I think for a little while they can do. It can be warm under snow sometimes. Flowers must know how to cope like the rest of nature.

It’ll be nice to see to the trees in leaf and the flowers in bloom again. After the gloom of winter the brightness of spring always cheers me. It’s nice being warmer and having longer days.

Though I will miss curling up under blankets, getting all warm and drinking hot chocolate. Also reading a book until I doze off and then waking up as the wind and heavy rain disturbs me.

On the other hand, I can be outside more and go to the beach and enjoy the sun. There’s so much each season can bring and I like embracing them all.

Dear Diary

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Dear diary, it’s snowing!

I woke up this morning, confused as normal about the darkness and what time it was but then I saw it was after nine and time to get up. I drew back the curtains and saw huge flakes of snow that were falling quickly to an all ready snow covered garden.

It made me happy. Snow always has that effect on me. I guess because it reminds me of being a child and all those winters spent in snow covered countries skiing with my dad. I’ve not been on a slope, real or fake since his death four years ago.

It still hurts too much because that was our thing. The one activity that my mum couldn’t take away from us. I’ve not actually spoke to her since his funeral. I want to forgive her, I really do but it’s just so hard. She ruined my childhood with all her venom for dad.

I know though that in the next few months she wants to a solid part of my life again because of the baby. I’m hoping that might help fix things between us. She has repeatedly told me how sorry she is and how she’s moved on. I know things weren’t all her fault and it’s not like dad caused their marriage breakdown.

They were just teenagers, first time lovers, when mum got pregnant with me. They married because that’s what mum’s dad wanted. Granddad was old fashioned and wanted right done by his only child. Eight years or so later, they decided they couldn’t be together anymore.

Mum said dad ruined her, if she hadn’t got pregnant, if she hadn’t married, she could have had a life, a better career and met someone like her current second husband who was far more suitable for her then dad had ever been. And that’s what I heard all throughout my life even when I had grown up and left, the little contact I had with mum she would always have to bring stuff up like this.

Lately though, mum’s contact has all been remorseful and calm. She said she felt I was old enough to understand her position better now that I was married and pregnant myself. She hoped I’d have sympathy for her, be able to let everything go and we could start again because she did want to be a grandmother.

I would like that. I would like to fully trust her and for us to have a relationship. I know dad would want that too, he was always telling me not to blame him or mum for them hating each other. They were young, they were forced into things. Everyone makes bad choices, it’s the way of the world.

 

Dear Diary

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Dear Diary,

It’s always strange waking up on the first of a new year. You think things will have changed but nothing has. I can imagine the number of people who woke up this morning and got on with their New Year resolutions.

Diets, give up smoking, stop drinking, save money, start a family, get a new job, whatever people choice to do. I didn’t pick anything. There was nothing I can think of that I want to achieve this year. I guess that makes me boring but no one has actually asked me so I haven’t had to make anything up.

I guess I would have said that I wanted to go on a diet and that one with the shakes I had seen on the TV the other day was what I was going to do.

Or maybe, I might have said that I wanted to take up a real difficult hobby like leather or metal working.

How long can you wait to decided what your resolution is going to be? How did it all come about anyway and why is there pressure to have one?

I don’t know. I guess I should just pick in case I’m asked. Someone at work is bound to want to know.

So, my 2020 resolution will be to give up buying books for the year.

That’s harsh and different but useful to me. I have a library of books to read and not buying any new ones will save some money that could be nice to use to go on holiday with.

It’ll do.

Dear Diary

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Dear Diary,

The Christmas tree is up! I don’t care what people think. The best time of year is here and if I want to go all out celebrating then that’s my choice!

Anyway, it’s been proven that putting up Christmas decorations early makes you happier! For me, that’s so true. I love all that magic feeling from lights and sparkly things. It makes me so happy when I see trees and lights in and on other people’s houses! It’s like the knowledge that they are embracing the holiday too.

Tomorrow, I’m putting the lights up inside and out. It’s a huge task but I’ll find people to help me. I just hope it’s not raining because then the outside lights will have to wait. I’m so excited for when everything is finished as coming home will make it seem like I’m entering Santa’s house. (Well, what I imagine it could look like!)

After decorating, my second favourite thing is wrapping presents! I have almost got everyone something and in the next week or two I’ll get wrapping up. I love all the papers with their different prints on and the feel of the more fancier ones. I don’t think a Christmas tree is complete without presents underneath!

I just can’t wait!

Dear Diary

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Dear diary,

Where has the year gone too? It’s the second to last month all ready and I feel like it’s just been lost. I know it’s not been really but it’s just the strangeness of the changing seasons.

I know this surreal sense will pass.

The air is always foggy at the moment as people burn fires and let fireworks off because it’s almost bonfire night. For some reason, the sounds and smells remind me of the World Wars. Like the fireworks become the distant sounds of guns going off and the smell of burning.

Perhaps, in a past life I was a solider? Or maybe, I have too good a imagination?

It’s raining again. The sounds of drops pattering on the ground and tapping against the window is making me sleepy. Listening to rain has been helping me sleep better at night.

I have nothing to do today. My knee and leg are still aching and the plaster cast is itchy. I’ve built a tower of pillows to rest my leg up on and I’m just going to rest and watching the Halloween episodes of TV shows I missed yesterday.

I feel like having a nap first though.

Dear Diary

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Dear diary,

October is finally here and the weather is turning autumnal. I’ve all ready started decorating the house with Halloween things! Just little things; my colourful maple leave with fairy lights wrapped around the staircase, a few of the pot pumpkins on the tables and the autumn wreath hanging off the door. More decorations will follow over the next few days.

I’ve started shopping online and in the stores now too. Most have their Halloween stuff out and it’s interesting to see what’s ‘in fashion’ this year. Clowns are still popular – recent movies to blame for that! Famous slash films are also still in but at least this year things seem little less shock horror.

I’ve brought to much to list but I’ve got all the candy for the children and most of the decorations I liked. Then I’ll raid the discounted things when that begins, I end up with my best things after Halloween!

Oh, I got to open the first window on my Halloween countdown calendar this morning. I know the 31st isn’t that far away but it still feels that way to me. It’ll come soon enough and then…Well, I need to keep some surprise for later!

Dear Diary

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Dear Diary,

It’s the first day of Autumn and I’m so happy! Some of the weather all ready has had a cooler and wet feel to it but I know summer will try to cling on for a few more weeks. That doesn’t bother me too much as I’m currently enjoying the darker and longer evening.

Today, I’ve been getting my autumn/winter reading list sorted, I’ve got some 1800’s Gothic classic novels to read; Dracula, Frankenstein, Jekyll and Hyde, Wuthering Heights and a few other shorter ghostie stories. I’m going to feel like I’m studying for English Lit exams again! But it’s going to be so good to just read these books for pleasure again.

I’ve started to receive my ordered Halloween items! My parents haven’t been that happy about that but as I explained to them when you are housebound with multiply mental and physical health problems the internet is your best friend! Also, Halloween gives me a big focus. This year, I’m planning on large treat bags for the kids filled with all kinds of things and I’m making gingerbread skeletons and Halloween biscuit shapes. So it should be good!

I just can’t wait for October to arrive now!

Dear Diary

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Dear Diary,

My hay fever is so bad! It feels like I’ve got a cold only with the addition of stinging eyes. The tablets don’t seem to be working and of course it’s all easy saying to stay away from flowers and grass but it doesn’t work that way.

I had to phone in work sick again, I just said I had a summer cold, well it’s true enough. I  thought I’d put the time to good use but no, the hay fever won’t let me. If I’m not sneezing I’m coughing or my eyes are watering or my chest hurts to much.

So it’s curling on the sofa, watching daytime TV and feeling sorry for myself. Maybe eating ice cream for my now sore throat.

 

 

Dear Diary

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Dear diary,

Summer is here but the weather doesn’t feel like it! It’s rainy and windy, with dark clouds and a sense of autumn more then anything.

I wanted to go for walk but have decided against. It’s a cup of tea and a lengthy novel to fill my afternoon out with.

The living room feels cold so I feel chilled which doesn’t help the aches and pains in my body. A bath later will ease things and pass more time till I can go to bed again. Sleeping, once I get there! does help.

I have been doing the exercises the nurse recommended too and spending more time standing up and less sitting which is fine on a good day but not on a bad. Swimming also has helped. In the water, I can forget anything and act like I did in the days before becoming ill. I’m going to do more swimming soon.

Warm, dry weather also helps and I’m hoping summer does settle in soon and I can spend more time feeling well enough to do things.

Till then as always, it’s trying to stay as comfortable as possible and distracting myself with as much as I can.

Dear Diary

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Dear diary,

The nightmares have been getting worse. They are hard to write about because I don’t totally remember them, it’s just like snap shots of still images but the fear they bring is real.

The setting is always the same; the abandoned asylum we went to last month. I fell through a rotten floor/ceiling and went down to the floor below, breaking my leg and arm. I’ve only been home from hospital for a week now and I was hoping the nightmares would stay there and not follow me. No luck.

In the nightmare, we are always walking around the asylum. I see the peeling paint and falling plaster off the ceiling, the broken glass of the barred windows, the metal beds pushed up together in piles. The smell of decay is overwhelming, almost chocking.

I start to see shadows, creeping shapes along all the surfaces then the whispers start. I can’t understand what they are saying. I try hard to listen, I walk closer to them, leaving my friends behind. I’m alone and that’s when it starts. The shadows grow, become demons- red skin, long horns, tails, animal like fur and features, some walk on two legs, others four legs.

I hear screaming and crying, echoing all around me. They sound painful, distressed and desperate. I know they are not coming from the demons but from the souls of the dead asylum inmates trapped here.

The urge to flee, makes me break into a run and I race from room to room, down corridors, hallways. The fear is all consuming and the only thing I can think about. I trip, fall over something that could be a body and I spin down and down. The floor gives way under me and I fall with a sense of forever.

I hear laughter and look to see the demons are falling me. They fall around me happily and I realise they are taking my soul down to Hell.

When I awake, sometimes I feel like I’m still dreaming. It takes me awhile and the sense of not being able to breath feels me. Then the pain of my broken leg and arm hit and that brings me back. The dream fades but something still clings to me.

I’ve been thinking over the last few days that maybe I was meant to die in the fall at the abandoned asylum but because I didn’t I’m now being haunted. The demons there wanted another soul and tried to take mine, however they couldn’t and now they are so unhappy they keep returning in my dreams to keep attempting to kill me.

Maybe, I’m just reading too much into that but I’ve so much time on my hands now, it’s hard not to deep think about thing.  Anyway, I hope the nightmares go away as I get better and they are really just a side effect of my accident.