Needy

Why did I always go after the boys that needed saving? It was strange how I was drawn to that type of person, sometimes without even knowing about it.

Deleting the photos of my ex and I from my phone, I told myself I didn’t need him. He had been too clingy, too emotional and demanding. He was toxic and things would have only got worse between us.

I should have ended things months ago but I kept talking myself out of it. His words of, ‘I’ll kill myself if we break up’ and ‘you are the only thing that’s keeping me going’, repeatedly came back to me. Sadness and guilt overrode my wanting to say those last words to him.

Things had finished now. I had said what was needed, ‘I love you, Bennet but things aren’t working for us anymore. I don’t want to be your comfort blanket anymore. I’m sorry.’

Of course, he had broken down and tried anything he could to make me take back those words. The normally, I can change, I can do better, don’t want to lose you, why are you doing this to me? 

Maybe, if I hadn’t been through this so many times I would have given in like I had done before. I’d have cried, hugged him and said I was sorry and we would work something out. Then everything went back to how it was and the loop carried on. With Bennet I had learnt the cut of those other break ups too deeply and I stood my ground.

He spend days wearing me down, becoming desperate for us to be together again. Finally he phoned me and told me he was going to do it. It was going to kill himself. I told him I didn’t care and to go ahead. It was just an empty threat. Then I blocked his number.

So, I’m moving on. No more needy men for me. I’m staying single until I find someone who’s not going to abuse my caring nature like a numbing pill for their problems.

Someone who is more balanced and wanting to care more about me then themselves. Like a normal man. Maybe then, I won’t have to go through all this heartbreak again.

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First Date

They been unlucky in love and given up on ‘the one’. For them, online dating was a window to meeting people.

Darcy had locked her heart and wanted to fill empty winter evenings.

Jack’s heart was broken but wanted to out chase loneliness.

The coffee shop was a flurry of people. The scent of coffee and cake hugged like best friends. Christmas music played in the background.

On a corner table for two they sat, wanting to speak but unsure. Finally, Darcy questioned if it was too early for Christmas songs. They laughed and chatted on.

The ice on their hearts melting.

My Merry Little Christmas #WeeklyWritingChallenge

I’d had it with him! Blocking his number, I officially deleted my ex-boyfriend from my life. Sitting crossed legged and arms on the sofa, grumpily gazing at the TV but not taking the ten o’clock news in, I shoved my heartbreak away.

I wasn’t going to cry and feel sorry for myself. I hadn’t been the one sleeping around, getting drunk and kissing girls in nightclubs. We’d only been together six months, hardly anytime at all. And anyway, I’d hated his taste in music, movies, his dislike of books and his big ego. We’d had little in common from the beginning and it was only thanks to his interest in American sports we had started dating.

Still though, Christmas was around the corner and now I’d be spending it alone. Well, there was family to visit but I’d feel like the odd one out.

I looked at the Christmas decorations and the little fire burning in the fireplace. It needed stoking and more wood adding. I was in no mood to sleep now, so I got up and kneeling down, grabbed the poker. Jabbing it in, the flames woke from their doze. I put another two logs in and which the fire growing once more.

Back on the sofa, I wanted something to take my mind off things. The TV wasn’t helping, I didn’t have enough concentration to read a book and my house was all ready tidy. There were presents still to wrap, cards to write but I wasn’t feeling up to that. I needed an action plan, something to total focus on and forget about him for awhile.

I got my laptop out and went surfing the internet. There were lots of distractions out there. I clicked on link after link; reading blog posts, news, comic strips, finally I came to some Christmas craft website and scrolled through. There were lots of things I could make but my heart wasn’t in it.

Turning the TV off, I went on to a video website and listened to some live relaxing music. I made some hot chocolate and toast, curled up again and drifted into the sounds of the fire and the sad piano notes.

For some reason, that song about having having yourself a merry little Christmas popped into my head. I hummed it whilst hugging my warm mug and thought, yes, I’m going to have one of those this year and I’ll be happier and better for it.

 

(Inspired by; https://secretkeeper.net/2018/12/10/weekly-writing-challenge-171/ with thanks).

Avenue #writephoto

It was too late to go back, Saly realised. She had meandering around the park without thinking. Now, she was at the far side where park met meadows and farming fields. Casting around, she spotting a bench and slipping the headphones off, she went and sat down.

Curling her fingers over the bench lip, Saly looked at the canopy walk away created by the two rows of closely planted trees who’s branches arched and touched high above. When she had been younger, she had believed such structures were tunnels into other lands filled with magic and wonder.

Taking in a very deep breaths, Saly smelt the ting of smoke over the fresh air and earthy scents. There were no signs of flames though, so the gently breeze must be carrying it. She sniffed, thinking maybe it was her partly blocked nose that was causing her to think she was smelling the smoke. Saly had been over the last few days, sensing things that weren’t really there.

Looking down at her knees, she wondered if things would ever be the same again. Of course, they wouldn’t be, not now that he had gone and she was alone again. But that had been one love and surely there’d be another? There’d always been before. It was hard though, Saly told herself, the death of a relationship seemed the end of everything.

Noticing that she was very much alone, Saly let the silent tears she had been holding in all day finally fall. Her auntie had always told her it was stupid to cry over men and a sure sign of weakness. Saly had agreed but how could she stop all these emotions when they were constantly consuming her like an over flowing bathtub?

There’s someone better out there for you, she chatted in her head, this is just another trial run for the real thing. 

Wiping away hot tears, Saly sat up straight and become determined not to cry over him anymore. Staring at the canopy walk of trees, she got up and went over to the entrance. Shadows were playing across the ground and there was feeling of protection within the sheltered area.

‘When you walk out the other side,’ Saly said aloud, ‘you’ll have left your past behind you and take your first steps into your future.’

Slowly, she walked underneath the trees, trying to stay true to her words. For the last few steps she held her breath then taking the first step out, let everything go. She smelt flowers and the coming hot summers. The endless possibilities of her future stretched before her. Saly walked away, her heart lighter.

(Inspired by; https://scvincent.com/2018/05/17/thursday-photo-prompt-avenue-writephoto with thanks).

Walking Away

She walked away from him and it was as simple as that to leave it all behind. She felt better, like a wild bird that been trapped in a cage but was now free. The control was all her own again and she could live as she wanted, not as he had made her believe she should. She told her friends it was better to be alone then in a relationship where you couldn’t be yourself and you fell into being a lie.

So what if her road was now lonely? Wasn’t it better to be like that then to find that you had no life at all? Her purpose shouldn’t have to be to please others or to be the perfect girlfriend. The purpose should be what she wanted and why should she care if other people judged her? She was living how she wanted to now and was a lot more happier.

Nothing

She just wanted to vanish into the nothing, that way she could stop feeling all those heightened emotions. Laying back on the sofa, she let the heavy metal music pounding from the headphones fill her head. She drifted with the drums, the guitars and the lull of the singer’s screaming voice.

Swallowing tear after tear, she wondered if she would ever feel unbroken again.

Bench

Steven sat on the park bench in the fine rain. He was deep in thought and so could no longer feel the wetness soaking into his jeans and woollen coat, nor how cold he was becoming. He had thrown his head back the second he had settled down and at first he had felt the tiny spots of cold rain on his skin, but they like everything else had faded into the background. His mind kept playing that single moment over and over in his head as if thoroughly examining it would lead to further clarification. It made no difference and only stirred his emotions more. He wished it hadn’t happened and that he could un-see everything, but it won’t quit and there again he saw Tawny sitting on top of Harrison. They were both naked and busy in an act that Steven shouldn’t have witnessed. He remembered closing the door and seeing from the corner of his eye Tawny raise her head towards him and gasp. He had left her house, walked to this nearby park and found the bench. He had dropped the still wrapped bunch of roses on the floor, as up until that point he had forgotten he was actually carrying them. The rain had ruined them now and the blood red petals had become much darker and looked on the edge of dying. In his pocket, his phone vibrated with an incoming call, but Steven ignored it. For some reason, there didn’t seem much point in anything right now. He heard a dog barking and against his will, his eyes flickered open and he pulled his head up. On the path before him was an old woman with a scruffy little dog on the end of a lead. She was dragging the dog away and mumbling at it. Steven shot her a disgusted look before realising that the woman’s face and eyes were fixed on the floor, so she couldn’t see him. A wave of guilt washed over him then faded as the woman and dog left him alone again. His phone went off a second time and he dug it out of his pocket. It was Tawny. He hit answer and pressed the phone to his ear only to hear a very tear chocked and desperate voice. He could hardly catch the words because she was speaking so fast and not making much sense. He hung up. Miniature rain drops fell on the screen of his phone. He watched them gather and drifted back into his thoughts once more.