Dear Diary

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Dear Diary,

The insomnia is back. I’m not sure why and nothing seems to be working to help me fall a sleep. I lay awake, sometimes staring up at the ceiling, other times eyes shut just begging to drift off.

I get up and clean things. I write whatever comes into my head, even though some of it doesn’t make any sense. I read books, until I can’t concentrate. I stargaze if the night sky allows. I try hot baths, pills, hot drinks, mind games, TV shows, I change bedding and sleeping positions. Whatever the advice is I’m doing it.

I’m beyond exhaustion, high on caffeine, just to keep going and surviving.

People think I’m ill and I shrug it off but maybe I am? Have I an illness that is causing the insomnia? I avoid looking it up on the internet – too many misdiagnoses.

It looks like I might have found a help tonight. I’m listening to the sounds of water dripping in a cave. It’s making me feel relaxed and my mind for a change isn’t full of things. I feel sort of floaty….

 

(Note; currently the only thing that is helping me get to sleep at night is listening to this YouTube video;

Tried

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The doctor said it was just tiredness and I needed some extra rest. Landing on top of my bed, I buried my head in a pillow and just thought about everything. It was an easy thing to say; get some more sleep but it was hard to actually do.

All my thoughts kept me awake and nothing seemed to dull their voices. It was like being at a loud party and not being able to hear anything. I just wanted it all to be quiet and to be left in peace, if only it was that easy.

 

Orion’s Belt

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One AM and my insomnia demon was putting on his best performance. Feeling too hot, I threw the bedding away and despite it being freezing outside, I opened the window.

A winter wind blew snowflakes into my face but that didn’t put me off. Enjoying the coldness, I noticed how clear the sky was and how bright the stars were.

When younger, I had enjoyed reading about the solar system and now I dug up that knowledge to name the constellations. It took me a few moments but then three stars lined together gave Orion away.

I smiled and traced him out. Next, Canis Major, one of Orion’s hunting dogs. As for Taurus, the bull Orion was hunting, I couldn’t see because next door’s roof blocked him. Moving back, I looked for the two stars of Canis Minor however they were too far away. Next, the unicorn, Monoceros, but I couldn’t pick those stars out either.

Turning back, I focused on Orion until I yawed and felt sleepy. Closing the window, I settled down again and miraculously fell to sleep.

3AM

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He looked at the clock next to him and saw that the blue numbers hadn’t changed, it was still a few minutes to three in the morning. He tried shutting his eyes, the urge to sleep so over welling but his eyes won’t move, as if they were glued open. There was just nothing he could do but wait out another night.