Tranquil #WritePhoto

Lily sat down on the grass next to the river bank and began mediating. She was new to  to the activity but had so far found it useful for calming down everything. Normally, Lily would sit on her bedroom floor in the morning and the evening, shut her eyes and try not to think about anything other then her breathing in and out.

Today though, with the weather being so nice and herself feeling restless and depressed, Lily had decided to walk around her local park just for something to do and to get away from the house.

With no real direction, Lily had let herself drift, avoiding the busy playground areas, football field and popular dog exercise spots. That’s how she had ended up in this quiet, hidden area close to the river. It seemed like a good place to take a break.

Lily breathed, trying not to think of anything. All around, nature was singing her song this afternoon for anybody who cared to listen. Lily want with it, letting the sound of the river and birds carry her away.

 

(Inspired by; https://scvincent.com/2019/03/07/thursday-photo-prompt-tranquil-writephoto/ with thanks).

 

 

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Jumper #CCC

A Bridge 3 Far cp

Joan walked onto the old railway bridge and climbed up the safety fence with some difficult. She sat, only just balanced, on the top bar and looked down. It seemed a long drop but the bottom was hidden by trees and bushes.

Uncomfortably, she decided whether to jump or not.

She wanted to but would it be effective? She didn’t want to wait dying of injuries.

Actually, here didn’t look good enough.

Wobbling, Joan climbed back and stood on the bridge once more. She took a deep breath. Today wasn’t the day then but sadly, she knew it would come soon enough.

 

(Inspired by; https://crimsonprose.wordpress.com/2019/03/06/crimsons-creative-challenge-17/ thanks).

Tried

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The doctor said it was just tiredness and I needed some extra rest. Landing on top of my bed, I buried my head in a pillow and just thought about everything. It was an easy thing to say; get some more sleep but it was hard to actually do.

All my thoughts kept me awake and nothing seemed to dull their voices. It was like being at a loud party and not being able to hear anything. I just wanted it all to be quiet and to be left in peace, if only it was that easy.

 

Dear Diary

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Dear Diary,

Thank God it’s February! I thought January would never end, it felt so long! Sadly, winter is still here and it’s been snowing A LOT over the last few days. There’s probably about five inches out there now, looks like twice that on the hills and peaks!

This morning, I was woken up by loud bleating and thinking a sheep had got stuck in my garden, I got up. Actually, it was a farmer leading his flock through the village. The poor things were covered in snow! I guess they must have been out over night and the farmer was bringing them home.

Strange to think that I’ve become use to such scenes. When I moved to Scotland six years ago, I developed a worry for the sheep I saw. An odd thing for a London born and breed city woman but if you remember my mental health break down was so bad that my anxiety and paranoia were out of control.

The first time a sheep got it’s head stuck in my fence, I freaked out so bad the farmer had to get his wife to help calm me down. It was actually thanks to her that I owed my recovery too. She taught me that Highland sheep were one of the hardiest breeds and they were fine to roam the hills alone. I don’t know why that knowledge help me but it did.

I’ve been thinking that this year I should move back to London and my apartment once more, try to pick up my career again and get on with my life. I’d have to switch the rent back on to my grandparent’s cottage and say goodbye to Scotland though.

That thought just doesn’t feel right now which is weird because I never wanted to come here in the first place. Being here though suits me so much better then being in London, perhaps I should just stay?

 

Let It Flow #FridayFictioneers

Stepping down into the river bank, I found a large rock and began taking off my boats and socks. Late November wind made my skin tingle with cold. Abandoning things, I placed my feet into rushing water.

I gulped down cries that rose in my throat and shut my eyes. Underneath, I could feel smooth stones and ice cube like water sliding up my ankles. I thought about all the ‘bad’ currently in my life, pushed it down into my feet, wiggled toes and let the river carry it all away from me.

(Inspired by; https://rochellewisoff.com/2018/11/21/23-november-2018/ with thanks).

Calm #WritePhoto

The trees had lost all of their leaves and winter was growing in the air. I walked beside the bending river, listening to the water moving and the hidden birds singing. It was too cold to stop today as I would normally have done, to admire the landscape and the sounds of nature. My heart badly wanted to though.

At a rough wooden bench, huddling in my long coat, I sit down. It was mid-afternoon, too late for lunchtime dog walkers and schools would be out soon, so there wasn’t anyone walking this corner of the countryside. That’s the way I like it, nobody asking if I’m okay, saying it would pass and get better. It was just me and the river with it’s calming flow.

It felt like I could fall asleep and dream safely here. The insomnia and the nightmares couldn’t get me, I could be at peace. I sighed and looked up at the sky. The clouds were drifting lazy, I wish I was up there with them, no worries.

It was getting too cold, I had to go. I got up and walked slowly, trying to delay my return home. Back there all the anxiety and depression was waiting for me. Out here though, I was free.

 

(Inspired by; https://scvincent.com/2018/11/08/thursday-photo-prompt-calm-writephoto/ with thanks).

 

 

 

 

 

 

November Day

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The conservatory was cold, so Maddie turned up the heating. Then created a nest for herself out of large cushions and soft fluffy blankets, on the large over stuffed leather chair. Snuggling down and hugging the warm mug of tea, Maddie took a few deep breaths.

Minutes before, Maddie had been in the middle of an anxiety attack. All her senses had been overwhelmed, every little sound made her nervous and her mind a hurricane of worrying thoughts. She hadn’t been able to slow down and the pain in her stomach had crippled her. Maddie had felt like the whole world was crushing her.

She had shut her eyes, rubbed her stomach in circles and thought about the sound of the rain on the windows and the wind rattling outside. That had helped ease things, Maddie had got up, made a hot drink and gone into the almost glass room at the back of the house.

Now, she could hear the rain and wind surrounding her, washing over and helping to make her feel much better. Safe in the nest, she sipped the peppermint tea and thought only of all the warmth. She was safe from everything here.

Drowning #100WW

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I’m drowning under the weight of it all and nothing makes sense. I want to stop and go away. I need to get back to the person I was before and not the one I’m now trapped in.

Everyone wears a mask. It’s easy to hide that way. You pretend to be someone else or fake being happy. Masks though have a tendency to slip off and mine has. Nobody likes what’s underneath, including myself.

What is this crazy voice in my head making me believe all these lies?

It’s killing me but I can’t talk about it because I sound insane.

 

(Inspired by; https://bikurgurl.com/2018/10/10/100-word-wednesday-week-92/ with thanks).

*Writer’s note; this story is part non-fiction and sums up how I feel with my anxiety and depression right now. I’m trying to work through it.

S.A.D

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It was Monday lunchtime and I was laying in bed, half dozing in the creeping silence of my house. The morning had been it’s normal hectic self; getting two kids and a husband ready, fed and out the door in time. Then I had busied myself with chores but now my mind wasn’t occupied the horrible sensations were taking over.

I looked at the pale blue painted ceiling, negative thoughts chasing each other in my head like cats and mice. I fought down the urge to linger on any of those thoughts because that would make them more real and worse. I told myself it would pass, it was just the change into the colder seasons.

Grabbing a pillow, I pressed it over my face and took a few deep breaths, until I couldn’t anymore. Tossing the pillow aside, I felt more in control. Distraction would help stop it coming back. I picked up the second hand, romance paperback I had been reading but after a few pages I couldn’t settle into it.

I got up and went on my laptop instead. I had a few things going on; looking for a job, writing a novel, a few online games with pending quests to complete and friends I could chat to. I did all of those, passing what felt like a good few hours and that helped as there was no space in my head to think about how sad I felt.

The time came to pick up the children from school. I looked outside whilst I debated over shoes and coats, it was rainy and windy with a darkening grey sky and brown leaves tossing around, typical autumn! I pushed the gloomy feeling away from me, gathered what I needed and went out.

Normally, I would walk with the school only half an hour away, but I got into the car and drove instead. The traffic and parking was bad and once I had found the girls, we joined everyone else trying to leave. I half listened to the girls chatter about their day, their friends and teachers, my concentration given to trying to get us safely home again.

Once back and everything falling into a routine again, I felt better, almost like my normal self again. There was tea to be made, more chores, homework to be done, TV to be watched, girls to put to bed, etc.

Time passed and I was in bed again, husband all ready a sleep whilst I trying and failing too. There was just too much darkness in the room tonight, too much wondering of my thoughts and I had to get up and do something. I took my book downstairs and read it until I wasn’t following the words anymore, my mind filled with worries so I couldn’t concentrate.

I took a sleeping pill, my only solution to the problem and dozed off, hoping tomorrow my depression would have gone.

Fall #WritePhoto

Out here there was nothing but peace. There were no stresses because nature had nothing to worry about. She just got on with things, like She had for centuries. I envied that.

Hiking had become my only escape, everything else -books, TV, therapy -had stopped working. I worried though, that soon enough I’d loss this too and that was heavy on my mind.

Trekking up the hill to the noisy waterfall, I let all that go. A drizzle rain was falling, making the rocks and plants slick. I had to watch my footing and not look around as much. The chilly air was causing my lungs to burn. I took that feeling and forced it to push everything else away as I climbed.

I reached the blockage of tumbled rocks that marked the foot of the waterfall and stop. The loudness of the rushing water was enough to block close by bird song. Finding a place to stand in-between the mossy, wet stones, I reached out into the waterfall and cupped water. It was a cold shock! I drink from my hands, feeling like ice was traveling inside me.

And I felt more alive then I had done in weeks.

(Inspired by; https://scvincent.com/2018/09/27/thursday-photo-prompt-fall-writephoto/ with thanks).