Turning thirty doesn’t mean you have to lose youth, you’ll still be yourself, just wiser and better.
(PS. It’s actually my 30th birthday today! – Hayley.)
It’s the first of Spring today but it feels more like the heart of winter! The snow is so heavy that it came to over the top of my wellies and I had to carry my poor doggie home. We didn’t go out after that and I phoned in work, no way I could I get there! So it was a day spent watching TV and reading.
I could hear the wind whistling by and ratting the window. The snow has been coming down in like, clouds. It’s hard to describe because its not really thick and fluffy flakes, it’s like small dusty puffs but because there’s a lot of it and it’s falling fast to stick on already frozen ground, it’s just building and building.
This afternoon, whilst pacing about, I saw out of the window, a car sliding down the street. I pressed myself to the cold window and looked out. There was a driver inside and I think they were just using the ice to glide across. Still though, I wouldn’t want to attempted that!
Across the street, the snow had pretty much buried the line of cars parked there. It would take awhile to dig one of them out…Some of the street lamps were on too, their sensors darkened by little peaks of snow on top of them. It was actually really pretty. And reminded me of Christmas! Which seems so weird.
Anyway, I’m grateful to be curled up in bed now, warm and toasty. Outside, I can see more snow falling and the wind tossing it about. Doggie is snoring at my feet and even though I’ve hardly done anything I’m feeling tried. Hopefully, the weather will be better tomorrow!
This morning whilst on the loo, I looked into the bathtub and saw a spider. It was struggling to get out; every time it slipped back down it would scramble back up again. I thought about turning on the tap and washing him away. Though that seemed to me I a total waste of his efforts to escape. Instead, once I was finished, I used an empty loo roll to scoop him out with and setting him free. A thought came to me; weren’t we all trapped like the spider waiting for someone or something to set us free?
Today is a down day. I don’t feel like doing or thinking anything. I’m just drifting with the hours, wanting to fill them with something but being unable. Nothing matters and nothing is important. Everyone else can get on with everything and I’ll just wait it out here.
Everything was too loud and bright; birds singing in the trees, dawn peering around the curtains. A cat meowing to be let in – her cat? Then someone’s whistling and echoing footsteps. A car engine started as she reached over and turned on the lamp which triggered an explosion in her head that sent her back down to the pillow. Groaning, she tried to get up but knew she wasn’t going to make it. She reached for some water and pills, taking them quickly. Then searched for her ear defends and a blind fold.
Silence at last.
(Inspired from; https://lindaghill.com/2017/12/27/what-is-just-jot-it-january-2018-rules/ with thanks).
When she picked up the email her heart leaped. This was her chance to prove she could do it and move on from being a plain old receptionist. This job interview was her ticket through a new door and only goodness lay at the other side.
She spent the rest of the day preparing; getting her clothes sorted, reminding herself of what she wrote in her job application, writing down questions and answers and even internet researching things. She felt so ready and like the job was her’s no matter what.
Laying in bed that night though, she couldn’t sleep. Her stomach churned like fish heads in a mincing machine, her back ached as if she was laying on a wooden board and her head swim like a whirlpool. She plucked thoughts out of the air as they whizzed passed; what if they asked a really weird question? what if she messed up a big answer? What if someone else was stronger then her?
She saw the job slipping away from her, like ice melting and trickling out of her hands. Sitting up in bed, she turned on the light and reached for one of the self-help books by her bed. She had recently shuffled them so the one about succeeding in interviews and a new job was at the top. Finding her place, she read for awhile. That give her some comfort.
Sleeping well afterwards, she arose in the morning and went about everything as normal. There were large, scratching butterflies in her stomach and her back was still twinging, but she got by. Then it was finally time to get ready and leave. Reminding herself that the job was as good as her’s already, She give it her all and walked out afterwards on a new path.
I’ve lost the inspiration and motivation again. It’s like there’s a light bulb above my head that burns bright for a few days then dims and dims till it goes out. Turning it back on is so hard. And I swear each time it takes longer and gets more difficult.
I know what people say; ‘you shouldn’t wait for inspiration,’ ‘find your own motivation,’ ‘just keep going and working through no matter what you feel that day.’
But they are not me.
Someone of them are more successful and they use that to conquer the bad days. Others, have to do it because otherwise they won’t survive so they can’t give up. The rest are chasing their dream, the knowledge of one day getting there seeing them through.
I’m in between all of that; successful but not, surviving just, wanting the dream but also boarder line living it.
Everyday I see people moving on with their lives; getting married, having kids, getting a house, getting a better job, a new car, holidays and celebrations. Getting divorced, losing everything, maybe living on the streets for awhile but then rising back up like a phoenix and going through it all again.
Whilst, I feel trapped. I’m living through the characters I write about, seeing the world and problems through them, feeling their emotions. Some say that’s living better then anyone else, for why would you actually want to go through that?
You know what I call it? Fake living.
I can go to the park and watch the children playing and the parents talking and instead of thinking about my own life, I’m thinking about theirs’. What would happen if a child went suddenly missing? Or if that mum told that mum that she had slept with her husband? Why is that dad alone this afternoon? Is the man with the cap covering his face and trying to look normal really up to something bad?
Those thoughts can’t be helped. I try to stop the flow, to think of things I believe normal people think about; have a left the stove on? When are my library books due back? What happened to that girl I swapped numbers with at the bar last weekend? My life would be easier if that was the only stuff in my head.
I don’t know what to do about this lack of motivation again. I should maybe take a holiday, go some place new. Meet some new people too. Have a life again. It’s all well and good to live in your own fantasy world all the time, but sooner or later, you realise that it’s just not the real world no matter how hard you try.
It had been a long day of spreading God’s message, but the two Mormon men were still happy. As they walked down the street, dressed in their fine suits, back to their rented apartment they were tried but still prepared to greet anybody who crossed their path.
A clunking sound and clattering of metal on metal made them pause. They glanced down and saw they had just walked over a rain grid. The tallest one patted his pockets and came to a realisation.
‘The chapel keys! They’ve fallen out of my pocket!’ he declared.
‘Double check,’ the other suggested.
The first did then shook his head and looked down into the gloom of the drain pipe.
‘We’ll have to get them,’ the second replied.
With a nod to each other, they hurried to their apartment were they gathered torches, ropes and buckets. Heading back, they removed the grid, which was heavy and shone their torches down.
A small stream of dark, dirty water was running by and the keys on their long thin rope could just be seen underneath.
The Mormons quickly set to work. They tied ropes to the handles of the buckets and lowed one down at a time to try and scoop the keys up.
A heavy set man walking his small white dog passed by them.
‘Lost something have ya?’ he asked.
The Mormons nodded and the first one replied, ‘yes.’
‘Good luck,’ the man answered and walked away with his dog.
Setting back to work, they brought up bucket after bucket of sewage water but none contained the keys. Desperately, they tried to think of another plan, but nothing else other than praying came to their tried minds. So, they carried on.
Twenty minutes later, the man came back with his dog.
‘Still at it, huh? What ya lost anyway? Car keys?’ the man questioned.
‘The keys to the chapel!’ the first Mormon replied.
The second was hauling up his bucket and looking deeply grim.
‘Oh….Not good then?’ the man asked. He seemed to be holding in his laughter.
‘What’s that?’ the second Mormon cut in as he looked at the scrum in his bucket.
The first peered over and respond, ‘it’s the keys! You got them!’ and he pulled them out.
The keys and rope were covered with something unspeakable but the Mormons were so happy that didn’t seem to bother them at all.
‘Well, goodnight,’ said the man and calling for his dog, he walked down the street, trying to still his laughter.
The Mormons tidied up as best they could then headed back to their apartment. They thanked God doubly in their prayers that night.
(Based on true events)
Summer is here but it doesn’t feel like it. Though that suits me just great. I love the wind and the cold. I’m getting tried hearing people complaining about the weather now through. I wonder what the weather will be like in London next week when I go? Probably hotter. It always has been when I’ve been the three times before. I still haven’t planned what I’m going to do, must sort all that out soon.
And then if my passport stuff goes okay, I’ll be off to Germany, which is still a terrifying thought. Andy will be there though and at the moment being with him is like so awesome that nothing can go wrong.
It’s a weird feeling to realise after being with so many wrong and bad boys that I’ve found a really good one now and luckily he’s been right by my side all along! Perhaps, I’m meet my Prince for real this time?
Oh, it’s too soon to tell! But last time I thought 5 years was long enough and look what happened there….
Anyway, plans to be made and things to do. Here’s hoping this month is good.
Grab a cup of coffee, and have a seat...
Heroines needed. Capes optional.
a weekly flash fiction prompt inspired by google maps