At Peace #SundayWritingPrompt

autumn-2182010_1920

It was a strange place to go to find some quiet but graveyards always drew me. Nearly all the time, they were empty of people and blocked out the everyday noises.

I wandered around to the sounds of birds, wind in the trees and my footsteps. I looked at the headstones, thought about those long gone lives and what they might make of the world today.

There was a peace here that was nowhere else and a deeper connection to life that only comes when you reflect. It was my place for those moments.

 

(Inspired from; https://mindlovemiserysmenagerie.wordpress.com/2019/03/17/sunday-writing-prompt-peace-of-mind/ with thanks).

 

 

Advertisements

Snuggles

No photo description available.

I sat on the sofa with my dog and flicked through the TV, there wan’t much on and I wasn’t in the mood for anything. I found some re-runs of a murder mystery series and with that in the background, I picked up my knitting project which was a toy teddy bear.

Weeks of being on and off ill had meant I hadn’t got around to finishing it but today could be the day.  Settling down, I started knitting, my dog sleeping behind me as she often did on these kind of days.

After a few rows, I pulled more of the wool and noticed it was stuck on something. Turning, I saw that unable to snuggle against me my dog had placed her head on the wool ball as if it was a little cushion.

Feeling mean for waking her up, I slipped the wool ball away from her. She raised her head, seeming confused at being awake.

‘It’s okay, old girl. Come lay on my lap,’ I told her whilst rubbing her head.

She yawned and re-curled against me, going back to sleep once again. I carried on knitting, thinking there was no better therapy then this.

 

(Photo my own. Please don’t use it without permission.)

Timeless #WritePhoto

It was a silly idea but it stuck in my head and what did I have to lose anyway? An afternoon getting lost, back tracking lots then finally finding the correct field. Though, it’s hard to say those hours were wasted because I actually enjoyed getting out of town and into the countryside for awhile.

I’m NOT going to start at the beginning, I’m sick of doing that with the doctors, nurses, support workers etc. I sound like a broken record in my head, stuck repeating the same lyrics over and over. Sorry for the use of cliche, but as I’ve found out things put plainly get more understood then some hyped up analogy.

To all those people and everyone else – family, friends, colleagues- they need to hear it to understand it, no matter how many times it takes. Also, they like to hear me being positive; ‘I’m okay,’ ‘I’m doing fine,’ ‘No, I don’t need help,’ ‘Thanks for your concern, I appreciation it.’

And all the while I’m just screaming in my head; ‘Can everyone just F off and leave me alone!!’

It’s strange how we are sort of programmed to hold everything in, to stay ‘normal’ when everything is anything but and just carry on.

I thought about this the other day, when I saw a boy having a tantrum in the shop because his mum wouldn’t buy him a toy. He was full on getting all his emotions out for everyone to see and though people didn’t like it, we all understood what was going on.

That’s what I want to do! Just scream to the world that I’m not happy and I didn’t get what I wanted in life and now I’ve been told not much can be done about it. As an adult, I can’t seem to do that. It’s not the to do action when you are mid-thirties.

The action is to accept and move on.

Or else you go out and try silly things like this!

Now, I’m walking across short, wet grass, heading to the almost center of the field. Ahead the massive standing stone looms, it’s a strange twisting shape and a total blot in the flat landscape. It’s a mystery how it got here but legend says it’s an ancient healing stone and has cured millions.

I come to a stop beside the stone. It’s covered in dark moss and bits have been chipped away which is why it has an odd shape. I guess people were so desperate for healing they removed bits. I wonder if that worked for them or if the bits lost power? Does it actually matter?

I touch the stone like I’m meant too. It’s freezing and wet, not a surprise there. I feel foolish. I breath and hope no one is seeing this right now!

Do I believe the stone will heal me? I’m not sure. Common sense says no but common sense also says drugs are meant to but when the drugs stop working what then?

When you lose belief in one thing how can you find it in another?

Tears roll down my cheeks, hot and salty, I don’t wipe them away. I’m too tried.

I move closer to the stone and hug it. My arms don’t reach all away around and there’s a large gap my fingers try to bridge but don’t. Dampness and coldness sink into me like the starting up of a shower before it gets hot. The stone is smooth, worn over the years. I press my cheek to it and just let everything go.

I cry, scream, shout, punch, kick, I bash my head against the stone.

Dizziness sweeps me. Sobbing, I slip down to the ground, press my back against the stone and turn my face skyward. Shutting my eyes, I listen to my hammer heart, my ragged breaths and a headache building.

It starts raining softly.

The stone feels warm.

And for the first time in a long time, I feel little bit of peace.

 

(Inspired by; https://scvincent.com/2019/02/21/thursday-photo-prompt-timeless-writephoto/ with thanks).

Orion’s Belt

orion-315830_1280

One AM and my insomnia demon was putting on his best performance. Feeling too hot, I threw the bedding away and despite it being freezing outside, I opened the window.

A winter wind blew snowflakes into my face but that didn’t put me off. Enjoying the coldness, I noticed how clear the sky was and how bright the stars were.

When younger, I had enjoyed reading about the solar system and now I dug up that knowledge to name the constellations. It took me a few moments but then three stars lined together gave Orion away.

I smiled and traced him out. Next, Canis Major, one of Orion’s hunting dogs. As for Taurus, the bull Orion was hunting, I couldn’t see because next door’s roof blocked him. Moving back, I looked for the two stars of Canis Minor however they were too far away. Next, the unicorn, Monoceros, but I couldn’t pick those stars out either.

Turning back, I focused on Orion until I yawed and felt sleepy. Closing the window, I settled down again and miraculously fell to sleep.

The Santa Express #FridayFictioneers

The Dobson family stood on the platform wowing over the red steam engine billowing out clouds of smoke.

‘It’s the Harry Potter train!’ Cat cried.

Her parents laughed, ‘no, it’s Santa’s train!’

They boarded an empty compartment and sat on rough red plush, lumpy spring box seats.

The train whistled, pulled off jerkily then gained speed and soon was chugging through the Yorkshire Moors.

Sometime later, Santa appeared and handed out presents.

Cat received a soft toy pony and Harley a set of toy cars. They played whilst their parents sipped warm mulled wine and watched the countryside go by.

 

(Inspired by; https://rochellewisoff.com/2018/12/05/7-december-2018/ with thanks).

Calm #WritePhoto

The trees had lost all of their leaves and winter was growing in the air. I walked beside the bending river, listening to the water moving and the hidden birds singing. It was too cold to stop today as I would normally have done, to admire the landscape and the sounds of nature. My heart badly wanted to though.

At a rough wooden bench, huddling in my long coat, I sit down. It was mid-afternoon, too late for lunchtime dog walkers and schools would be out soon, so there wasn’t anyone walking this corner of the countryside. That’s the way I like it, nobody asking if I’m okay, saying it would pass and get better. It was just me and the river with it’s calming flow.

It felt like I could fall asleep and dream safely here. The insomnia and the nightmares couldn’t get me, I could be at peace. I sighed and looked up at the sky. The clouds were drifting lazy, I wish I was up there with them, no worries.

It was getting too cold, I had to go. I got up and walked slowly, trying to delay my return home. Back there all the anxiety and depression was waiting for me. Out here though, I was free.

 

(Inspired by; https://scvincent.com/2018/11/08/thursday-photo-prompt-calm-writephoto/ with thanks).

 

 

 

 

 

 

Post It Note Short #48

post-it-1819739_1920

Turning thirty doesn’t mean you have to lose youth, you’ll still be yourself, just wiser and better.

(PS. It’s actually my 30th birthday today! – Hayley.)

Post It Note #46

post-it-1819739_1920

Today is the day to do it, no more putting it off! Believe in yourself and everything will pay off.

Dear Diary #43

book-1945499_1920

Dear Diary,

It’s the first of Spring today but it feels more like the heart of winter! The snow is so heavy that it came to over the top of my wellies and I had to carry my poor doggie home. We didn’t go out after that and I phoned in work, no way I could I get there! So it was a day spent watching TV and reading.

I could hear the wind whistling by and ratting the window. The snow has been coming down in like, clouds. It’s hard to describe because its not really thick and fluffy flakes, it’s like small dusty puffs but because there’s a lot of it and it’s falling fast to stick on already frozen ground, it’s just building and building.

This afternoon, whilst pacing about, I saw out of the window, a car sliding down the street. I pressed myself to the cold window and looked out. There was a driver inside and I think they were just using the ice to glide across. Still though, I wouldn’t want to attempted that!

Across the street, the snow had pretty much buried the line of cars parked there. It would take awhile to dig one of them out…Some of the street lamps were on too, their sensors darkened by little peaks of snow on top of them. It was actually really pretty. And reminded me of Christmas! Which seems so weird.

Anyway, I’m grateful to be curled up in bed now, warm and toasty. Outside, I can see more snow falling and the wind tossing it about. Doggie is snoring at my feet and even though I’ve hardly done anything I’m feeling tried. Hopefully, the weather will be better tomorrow!

 

Spider

spider-2321169_1920

This morning whilst on the loo, I looked into the bathtub and saw a spider. It was struggling to get out; every time it slipped back down it would scramble back up again. I thought about turning on the tap and washing him away. Though that seemed to me I   a total waste of his efforts to escape. Instead, once I was finished, I used an empty loo roll to scoop him out with and setting him free. A thought came to me; weren’t we all trapped like the spider waiting for someone or something to set us free?