Dear Diary

Dear diary,

The nightmares have been getting worse. They are hard to write about because I don’t totally remember them, it’s just like snap shots of still images but the fear they bring is real.

The setting is always the same; the abandoned asylum we went to last month. I fell through a rotten floor/ceiling and went down to the floor below, breaking my leg and arm. I’ve only been home from hospital for a week now and I was hoping the nightmares would stay there and not follow me. No luck.

In the nightmare, we are always walking around the asylum. I see the peeling paint and falling plaster off the ceiling, the broken glass of the barred windows, the metal beds pushed up together in piles. The smell of decay is overwhelming, almost chocking.

I start to see shadows, creeping shapes along all the surfaces then the whispers start. I can’t understand what they are saying. I try hard to listen, I walk closer to them, leaving my friends behind. I’m alone and that’s when it starts. The shadows grow, become demons- red skin, long horns, tails, animal like fur and features, some walk on two legs, others four legs.

I hear screaming and crying, echoing all around me. They sound painful, distressed and desperate. I know they are not coming from the demons but from the souls of the dead asylum inmates trapped here.

The urge to flee, makes me break into a run and I race from room to room, down corridors, hallways. The fear is all consuming and the only thing I can think about. I trip, fall over something that could be a body and I spin down and down. The floor gives way under me and I fall with a sense of forever.

I hear laughter and look to see the demons are falling me. They fall around me happily and I realise they are taking my soul down to Hell.

When I awake, sometimes I feel like I’m still dreaming. It takes me awhile and the sense of not being able to breath feels me. Then the pain of my broken leg and arm hit and that brings me back. The dream fades but something still clings to me.

I’ve been thinking over the last few days that maybe I was meant to die in the fall at the abandoned asylum but because I didn’t I’m now being haunted. The demons there wanted another soul and tried to take mine, however they couldn’t and now they are so unhappy they keep returning in my dreams to keep attempting to kill me.

Maybe, I’m just reading too much into that but I’ve so much time on my hands now, it’s hard not to deep think about thing.  Anyway, I hope the nightmares go away as I get better and they are really just a side effect of my accident.

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Church (Chapter 3, Part 4)

Continued from Church chapter 3, parts 1, 2 and 3.

‘How?’ I cut in.

‘It doesn’t matter,’ Rain shot back, ‘it’s not important.’

It mattered to me and I went to press her on it, but she continued speaking with a sad tone to her words, ‘I tried to give the fighting up, I retired to here and other places. But, it didn’t work. I couldn’t stop my destiny, so I fight still.’

‘Isn’t that good, though?’ I asked softly, ‘maybe the other Reapers will see that and invite you back in. I don’t understand why you think yourself sinful. Are you not doing a worthy job in purging and protecting the world from those evil souls?’

Rain let out a deep sigh and for the first time grabbed my hands in her’s, stopping my fingers from rubbing against her knuckles. My words hung in the air, heavy with more than just that question. I was desperate to ask more to make her to reveal other things to me. I had an overwhelming urge to know her entirely. Instead, I forced myself to stay silent and gave her the space to carry on.

‘It’s not like that,’ she said, shakily, then stopped.

Her hands slipped from mine and she stood up. I stayed on the floor, looking up at her and willing her to go on, but at the same time knowing that she no longer wanted too.

‘You don’t need to know any more. I’m going to have a shower and maybe rest,’ she muttered, as she turned away.

‘Rain?’ I called after her, scrambling to my feet.

She stopped, but didn’t turn back to me, ‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything. You can leave if you want. Just walk out of the portal, you don’t need to do anything else.’

‘We can’t end it like this,’ I snapped, without really meaning too.

I reached out to her, but my hand hovered in the air. She twisted her head, resting her chin on her shoulder. Some of her hair fell across the side of her face and she looked at me shyly from under her eyelashes.

‘It must for now, but we’ll see each other again, I’m sure of that,’ Rain stated.

Flicking her head away, she took off with her feet slapping the floor loudly. I caught myself from chasing after her as the door closed and I was alone again. Rubbing a hand down my face and then my neck, I cast a look at my amour, which lay on the floor close beside me. I gathered it and went to blow out the candle. The sage had almost burnt itself out and needed no attention. I left and went back to my room, feeling dishearten and no longer convinced that I wanted to leave.

Still though, it didn’t feel like I had a choice. As I put my armour back on, I thought about Rain’s words and realised that she had dismissed me. If I stayed I probably would be disrespecting her and there was a growing tension between us right now. However, the small hope of seeing her again stayed with me and I prayed that we were destined to meet another time. Picking up my sheathed sword, my eyes drifted to the notebooks. Fixing the weapon to my side, I walked over and picked them up. I was tempted to open their pages and flick through them once more, instead, I went to the chest and opened it.

Inside the same mix of items meet my eyes. I placed the notebooks on top and went to close the lid. Something stopped my hand and as if I had been possessed, I picked the notebooks up again and shoved them under my chest plate. The lid slammed as I let it go. Leaving without a glance back, I walked out and looked over the Paradise Garden. A storm seemed to be brewing in one of the far corners. However, the magic of the rolling landscape, babbling brook and singing birds affected me, making me feel calm and safe.

I walked downstairs and took a last walk through the English meadow. My mind drifted, my thoughts unable to fix on anything else other than the beauty before me. Then it started to rain. Large drops fell from a darkening grey sky and a gently rumble of thunder filled the air. I hurried to the true cathedral steps and climbed them. Standing beside the door, the rain couldn’t get me and for a few minutes I watched the storm roll in and erupt around me.

For a split second, I thought I saw Rain on the balcony, but it could have easily been a large bird. I sighed and turned away at last, my heavy heart knowing that I might never look upon this place again. I opened the door and stepped through. The sound of the storm faded behind me and the doors closed with a soft hushing.

I was back in the real world again.

Church (Chapter 3, Part 3)

Continued from Church chapter 3, parts 1 and 2.

A soft female voice, which I half recognised, was repeatedly calling my name, though she sounded very distant. A harsher male voice, which I didn’t know, cut in with, ‘you are on the wrong side of Heaven now, but you are still too righteous for Hell.’ Was that an actual person or just a voice inside of my head? I felt fingers tugging at something across my sides, but I let go and fell into a dream.

I was flying amongst fluffy white clouds, the sun glorious hot on my skin. Trumpets and harps were playing gentle songs in my ears. I was aware of other angels filling the sky around me and the feeling of wings brushing against my own. Still, though that same female voice called my name, ‘Blaze?’ she questioned with sadness and concern.

I opened my eyes and saw a wooden beamed ceiling.  Taking in a few deep breaths, I smelt and tasted an acidic burning of dried plant. Easing myself up, I felt the dead weight of my metal plate on my torso. With numb fingers I reached out for the leather straps at the side and found them all ready loosened. I pulled the armour off over my head and placed it down beside me. My arm guards hadn’t been unbuckled, but I quickly did that and pulled them off too.

I noticed a very low and short red lacquered table across from me next to the wall. On it a thick twist of sage was burning over a white bowl, a gentle curl of smoke rose upwards. A tall white church pillar candle was burning beside it. Soft padding footsteps ticked my ear and I turned to my right. Black pant covered legs met my eyes and I turned my head up, into the face of Rain.

‘Blaze? Are you all right?’

I touched the side of my head and rubbed it carefully. My hair was a mess around my face and shoulders. I withdrew my hand and didn’t see any blood on my fingers, but that area still ached.

‘Here,’ Rain said and handed me an opened bottle of water.

I took it and had a sip, whilst she crouched on the floor and wrapped her arms around her knees. She looked unhappy and concerned. Her mismatched eyes were also downcast and for a few moments she didn’t look at me as I drink. The water was cold and refreshing, I felt better. I handed it back to her and she took a few mouthfuls, before placing the bottle between us.

‘You didn’t really mean it, did you?’ I inquired, softly.

‘No, I just wanted to see what you’d do,’ Rain responded in a whispery voice, ‘I didn’t mean you any harm. I promised not to hurt you, remember? I always keep my promises.’

I felt her fingertips try to brush my hair back from my face, but it was too tangled and fell back. From her own hair, she tugged out a lilac thin elastic tie, which caused her hair to fan down like a waterfall. Shifting behind me, she gathered all my long golden strands up and tied my hair out of the way. Her hand brushed my shoulder and for a fleeting moment I wished she had lingered longer.

‘I head a man’s voice alongside your own,’ I spoke, as I pulled my legs crossed together and straightened up, ‘he said something about the wrong sides of Heaven and Hell.’

Rain’s face crumpled into puzzlement.

‘Maybe, it wasn’t a real voice or it could have been spiritual…’ I added, thoughtfully.

She glanced over her shoulder and in a single movement got up. She crossed the floor, went to the speaker system and collected something. Coming back she knelt beside me and showed me the palm sized music device in her hand. The screen loaded up an album cover with some kind of demon on a fiery background. Scrolling letters that I couldn’t catch moved along the bottom.

‘What were the actual words?’ Rain asked.

‘I can’t really remember,’ I admitted.

She hit play and loud piano notes accompanied by a guitar waved through the air, that harsh male voice began singing. We listened closely and a few moments later we both heard the line. Rain stopped the song and looked at me, ‘see? That’s all it was, Five Finger Death Punch. I like to listen to them when I practise,’ she finished in a half shrug.

‘I understand,’ I replied, simply.

Rain switched the device off and ran her fingers along the edge. We were quiet for a few seconds, then she mumbled, ‘maybe it was some kind of sign.’

I turned back to her, having been staring at the burning sage and candle. She was looking at the floor again, though her face was softer and calmer now. She glanced up at me and further suggested, ‘you were looking for a sign about why you were stuck here.’

I nodded and waiting for her to go on.

‘Well, maybe that was one? I don’t know though,’ her voice laughed, ‘these musicians always seem to say the stuff I need to hear at the right moment. I know it’s just me reading too much into their lyrics though, but it seems to help.’

She went to get up, but I lightly clasped her arm, stilling her. I let go, though the warmth and softness of her skin almost prevented the movement of my fingers. I halted her words with a quick look and commanded, ‘tell me about yourself. You’ve hidden it this long, but now I need to know.’

‘It’s complicated,’ she uttered.

‘So? Tell me and I will try to understand.’

Rain shook her head, sending her hair spilling around her face.

Without thinking, I gathered the strands in my hands and tossed them over her shoulders. My palms skimmed her upper arms, I told them to let go, but they stayed and travelled further down to the balled up fists in her lap. I squeezed her hands and un-clenched her fingers, until she relaxed them against my own.

‘I have sinned, badly,’ she breathed, ‘I should look like Death to your eyes, because that’s what I am. I’ve meet other angels before, but they have kept their distance because they knew what I was, even if they didn’t fully understand it. You’re different and for whatever reason, you don’t sense the evil inside of me.’

‘You are a closed book to me, Rain,’ I admitted, ‘I have never been able to see your mind or aura. There seems to be just nothing, but I know that isn’t true. I thought you were creating the block yourself and perhaps that’s why?’

‘That is a part of it,’ she sighed, ‘but doesn’t explain the rest of it. Still, there’s always going to be mysteries that we don’t understand and we shouldn’t go seeking the answers to.’

I nodded and rubbing her fingers, allowed her to go on.

‘I’m warrior like yourself. Just as there are many different groups of angels, so it is with what I am. A Messore, a Reaper. You should already be aware of us. At least, our main group will be familiar to you,’ Rain paused, waiting for me to confirm this.

‘Grim Reapers, Death, the harvesters of mortal human souls. You guide the newly depart to Heaven or Hell. You are a form of angel,’ I rushed out.

‘Angels, who can never enter either realm and thus have become far from being the form you know. We are banished to Limbo and feared,’ Rain responded sadly, ‘I’m a member of one of their other groups. You see, it’s not just human souls we deal with. We have to take care of all souls- mortal and immortal alike.’

‘So, which souls do you…guide then?’ I wondered, half-unsure if I actually wanted to know the answer.

‘The most evil ones,’ she confessed, ‘like that Demigod bear, I saved you from. Though, it’s extremely rare to find his kind on the Earth plane. Normally, I go after what is classed as empty souls. They have no mortality left within them, if they ever had it in the first place. They feed on other souls, growing stronger and eviler, until that’s all they know.’

‘And it’s your job to vanquish them,’ I finished.

‘It was…I’m exiled now.’

To Be Continued….