I want to lock it away. I want to forget. If it’s locked away I might forget. I want things to go back like before. I want it to have never happened. I want to forget. I will forget, I must forget….
Lock it away, lock it up well and lock it all away forever. It can never come out again. No one must ever know nor find the door or the key. Keep it all hidden, keep it safe. Help me to forget. Lock it away. Lock it away!
Throw the key into the sea. Throw the door after it and IT too! Let the sea claim it. Or, bury the key and the door in the ground. Deep in the ground as deep as the dead. Never to return again. Never to be seen again or thought about. I must forget….
Out of sight, out of mind. Lock it away. Melt down the key, put the door through a wood shredder and blow up the walls. Reduce it all to ruin, wipe it off the face of the Earth. Let me forget it, let me go! Go far forever!
On the shore he wandered, lost in his own thoughts. With his head down, he watched the surf lapping at his boots. The sea would be cold, he knew but still he took his boots and socks off. There was just something irresistible about walking barefoot on the beach.
Socks in his pocket, boots in hand, he carried on walking. The sand was cool and the sea cold, but he liked the feeling in between his toes. He let his thoughts go off again, like the seagulls that took flight when he got too close.
The beach was empty at this time in the morning which was how he always liked it. He could be alone without people staring and trying to ask him questions about what happened to his body. Children called him a monster and parents would quickly drag them away.
I was fighting for this country, he wanted to say, a bomb fell on a house, I tried to save the innocent family trapped inside but the fire was too bad.
Unfortunately, he knew it wouldn’t matter. His words couldn’t change the effects of his actions across his skin. However, out here away from it all, nothing cared. The sand and sea couldn’t judge him, he could just be himself, alone with his thoughts and scars.
They said he was an artist at an early age but if they thought he would be creative on paper and canvas they were wrong. He painted on walls; huge images of people that seemed to be from other times and places, alien flowers or trees, backgrounds of glass stained sunsets, water reflections and purple fields.
It was hard to know what to make of it all. Most people saw it as graffiti which was just rubbish to be washed off the walls, a few thought they were nice enough and a handful could see the visions behind the art.
It’s been really sunny and warm these last four days and today it looks depressing. The sky is all grey and rainy, it still feels warm but more of a lurk bath water feel then the fresh hot water yesterday felt like. It’s hard to tell if it’s raining or not right now because the window is water marked and it’s more like fine drizzle when it does fall.
I did think about going out and doing some stuff, though I don’t have anything actual to do. So, I tided the house and missed the kids. I hope the weather in Skegness is better then it is here. School holidays really throw me off! I should have gone with them, taking up my parents offer and had a week enjoying myself.
But I wanted the space and time away from them all. I wanted to go on a few dates, hang out with some old friends, do ‘me’ time and just think back to being younger and not having any worries. Somehow though, I’ve done it all in four days and though it’s been nice, it’s not made me think any differently about my life. Expect, for the fact I never thought I was going to be a twenty-five year old, widowed mum with twins boys.
There’s still time isn’t there? It’s still not to late to drive to Skegness, it’s only an hour and a half away. And then I can have a few days away, perhaps the sea air will do me some good. It’ll be a nice surprise for the twins.
It was a guilty pleasure of summer; ice cream on the beach. After months of being on a diet to fit perfectly into my bikini. The cold, sweet ice cream hit my tongue and I moaned quietly in pleasure. For a few seconds, I wondered if it was too sweet but then I swallowed and could only think about eating more.
I heard my boyfriend chuckling next to me and I glanced over at him as I went for another mouthful.
‘Diet broken?’ he asked, grinning at me.
All I could do was nod, my tongue sticky with ice cream.
‘I don’t mind you being a bit chubby,’ he added.
Shooting him a disgruntled look, I got back to enjoying my ice cream. There was nothing that could bet this cooling, sugar rush in my mouth. I shut my eyes and enjoyed the feeling in my mouth.
What was it about ice cream that made you feel so happy? And ice cream by the summer sea just made it more special. Maybe it was the sweet memories of childhood holidays? That small treat on a hot day?
Well whatever it was, it was worth breaking any diet for!
Sometimes it was just nice to sit down in silence and think. The park at sunrise was my place to go and do that. Nearly everyone was still in bed and there weren’t many cars on the roads. My favorite bench was at the far side of the small lake, further in then all the other resting spots. It give a great view though and if joggers, dog walkers and early starter workers were around I wouldn’t see any of them.
Age was getting to me though and it was a struggle to rise at four or five in the morning. Let alone hobble all that way! Getting the bus was easier, but sometimes I didn’t make it in time to see the sun began to rise. I tried not to let it get to me, the same way one might an illness or an argument. Like a circle though, it keep coming back around.
You don’t really think about mortally when you are young. You believe you are immortal and your life is too busy to stop and ponder deep questions like that. Though death is close at hand for us. He doesn’t care what you are doing when he sees your number is up and it’s time for him to come to take you.
Death is a friend of mine. That seems strange to say but he’s taken my three wives, two sons, my oldest brother and sister, my parents and grandparents too. He’s been apart of my life since I was born. I’m not afraid and I’ve always known I wasn’t going to live forever. That realisation helps as you age and you are just waiting out the days.
I’m following in my dad’s footsteps once again. We all do that you know. As young people we say no! I won’t become like my parents, I’ll be better or even worse if that’s what it takes. But then, we slowly become like them. Little habits they have, become our own. Voices that sound like them in moments of anger or sadness. We phrase from ourselves to them and back again, another circle that can’t be broken.
The sun rises and I feel the warmth on my dry, wrinkled skin. I wonder if there’s anything beyond this life. I’m not sure I want there to be. One life has been enough for me. I’ve said my peace and that’s all.
Walking around, I imagined the ruinings whole and humming with life. Men shuffling around in brown robes, saying prayers and gardening. A bell tolling, the smell of smoke and tingle of food.
I entered the main part of the Abbey. I touched a cold, grey brick in the huge stone wall. How many other fingers had also pressed here? I looked at the archways on either side, stretching down the nave which ended in a massive empty window. I thought once, coloured glass depicting scenes from the Bible glowed in the sunlight there. Now, a single tree was framed perfectly.
I went over, the illusion of the framed tree breaking. I felt the draft more and wondered what had happened the window. The ledge was too high for me to lean out of. I turned and looked back. What had people thought as they stood on this alter stand?
Had God ever been here? Had He abandoned the Abbey when the monks had? Did He still come now and wonder through these empty arches? No one could answer those questions but Himself.
As for me, I enjoyed the peace that still remind in places liked this.
This morning whilst on the loo, I looked into the bathtub and saw a spider. It was struggling to get out; every time it slipped back down it would scramble back up again. I thought about turning on the tap and washing him away. Though that seemed to me I a total waste of his efforts to escape. Instead, once I was finished, I used an empty loo roll to scoop him out with and setting him free. A thought came to me; weren’t we all trapped like the spider waiting for someone or something to set us free?
Halloween is over for another year and I’m missing it all ready! I spent an age this morning, cleaning and tidying everything up. I felt so disheartened and tried but happy that last night had been a great party. Plus, I didn’t find anyone sleeping in the bath or on the sofa!
The people that had stayed over helped to make breakfast and tidy up which was super sweet. Then they all left and the house felt so empty again, even with Luke got up and Midnight appeared. Spent time curled on the sofa in front of the TV as we were both tried.
I thought about putting all the filled Halloween storage boxes back in the attic but didn’t have the energy to do that. I think we’ll be eating Halloween themed food and snacks until Christmas. I made too much, though everyone said it was all good. Anyway, I’ve had to thrown some of it away as there’s nowhere to store it!
It didn’t help that this afternoon, I raced around the shops to snatch up the good discounted stuff. So, there were more decorations to store and more snacks to secretly eat. Got some good stuff, including that raven in a glass jar and that group of bats in the light up cage. There’s still no way I was paying full price for those!
I don’t want to leave October and Halloween! Why can’t it always be?
Christmas is just everywhere now. I bet tomorrow Halloween will be gone as if never had been and all the sparky and craze of the holly jolly season will be here. I don’t get me wrong, I like Christmas, but it just feels so big and over the top, that it’s becoming almost pointless now. I bet there are people who wish it was Christmas all the time!
At least, there’s still a whole month of autumn to go and I can get something out of that!