I nudged the white headphones with the tip of my walking boot and tried to figure out why someone might have left them on the footpath. They looked new, but perhaps they were broken. Not wanting to crush them, I picked them up and inspected them.
My dogs were off playing somewhere and I could hear distant voices. The canal pathway was empty though. The sounds of the water lapping against moored boats and the birds singing made for a pleasant background sound track.
I half wondered if that was why someone had abandoned their headphones. Had they suddenly decided that the song of nature was much more interesting then whatever they had been listening too?
That was a fleeting thought though. Why would anyone do that? Maybe the headphones had been stolen or just dropped?
I looked around, searching the rough ground that edged the canal path and the line of short trees that led off into the woods. There seemed to be nothing more.
I placed the headphones back down. Leaving them for someone else to find. My thoughts lingered though and I couldn’t help but think of someone taking the headphones off, dropping them and embracing the sweet sounds of nature.
I looked up and saw through the translucent autumn leaves. The pale October sun was giving just enough light to see by even though it was the middle of the afternoon. I stopped and for some reason began wondering about the life of a leaves. How did they know when to start changing color and dying? The tree of course felt the cold and knew it was time to sleep. The tree couldn’t photosynthesis with the weak sunlight and the leaves lost their usefulness.
I felt a jolt back to high school biology class. That was probably where the knowledge came from. Why was it important anyway? Who actually cared about these things and the changing of the seasons? They just happened and we did what we normally did, year after year. I frowned up at the leaves and watched the wind moving them. In that moment, the world slipped away. The barking dogs, the people, everyone and thing in the park, but that one tree and me.
I heard the leaves whispering, but I couldn’t make out their words. They weren’t calling to me though. Perhaps, they were speaking to each other or the tree. What were they saying? That it was growing cold it was time for them to move on? I saw the leaves fall, they came and spiraled around me. They were still whispering, but the words were a secret. Then they were gone, the wind carrying them away.
I came back to and looked around in a daze. Everything looked normal. The kids playing on the swings, the dogs chasing balls, people jogging and yet, I no longer was normal. The leaves had reached out to me, they had whispered their story to me and now I felt a change growing within me.
It’s the start of a new month and boy, am I embracing it head on and arms out! Returned to the gym this morning and tackled the running machine again. Still a bit nervous on it, but once I’d got the rhyme and the beat of my music right I went for a full twenty minute fast walk. Felt really pleased with that and unlike last time, I didn’t get myself down about the person a few places over from me who was actually going at a full run.
Swimming afterwards was like Heaven. Though I hope the water is warmer up there! When I got home I actually felt more creative and sat down to try and do some writing before husband and baby appeared. I got maybe five hundred words done and finished off the chapter I was stuck on last night. Small steps!
Breakfast was a mad rush then it was just me and B. She’s starting to get a fat face and I swear she’s still forever hungry. Tomorrow, is weigh in day for the both of us. I tried to find out what she should be at for four months, but of course there’s so many factors to fit in there and the average is just an average.
I’m doing really great sticking to the day schedule though, but I’m not sure how much longer I can go without my mid-morning and afternoon TV. I miss Netflix’s too, though hubby and I did finally finish watching Dexter at the weekend. The escape from technology is so hard. I hinted that we need to become nomads a few days ago because I can’t see it being possible any other way.
Hubby won’t have it though. He muttered something about going camping. But with B in tow would I really want to do that? I’m still having a slight problem exposing her to the outside world. I know that sounds really bad, but I’ve not been out with her on my own still. I keep saying I’ll go to the park or the shops or to a friend’s with her, but always at the back of my head there’s this little voice that sounds off.
What if something happens to her or me? What if she catches something or is bitten by an animal? It’s safer inside.
I know that’s insane. Who doesn’t want to show off their first baby? But still…I hope these thoughts got away soon. I saw this thing in my baby pack about post-traumatic stress and how your mental health can be affected by a birth. Perhaps that’s what is and nothing more. I don’t really want to talk about it though, because what if it’s not and I am actually going crazy? I can’t think about it. But seriously, if it doesn’t go away, I’m going to have to do something.
I don’t want to be a bad or dangerous mum. The other day I kept thinking about that poor woman who jumped off a cliff with her hours old baby. She had lots of issues all her life, the news report had said and they didn’t understand why she’s been able to walk out of hospital alone like that. That’s an extreme really though.
Maybe, what I need to do is speak to hubby. I know he’ll tell me it’ll all be fine, but to be honest that’s all I want to hear and my own body back again! B is now crying, so I’d better go and see to her. Then it’s bedtime. Though it feels like I’ve done nothing all day, I’m so tired.